some thoughts/ questions about gender and identity…
an invitation and a blessing
(originally written for a womxn’s gathering in September 2018)
Gender is one of many socially constructed categories that we are conditioned by and subject to – it informs our consciously and unconsciously held beliefs, and shapes our experience of being in the world, in relationship to both self and others. Sometimes this can be empowering. More often however it can feel limiting and painful. The emerging conversation around gender in the public sphere - that of trans, non-binary, and other non-conforming gender identities - is a new frontier in the expansion of human consciousness. There is a call to transcend our limiting and limited ideas of what it means to identify with the masculine or the feminine; to move beyond the idea that the binary categories of man and woman are the only options; to untangle our assumption that there is an inherent and automatic link between biological sex and gender identity; and to actualize a reality in which no one’s behavior, potential, or life opportunities are constrained or curtailed because of their sex or gender.
There is also a call to imagine new language to move this conversation forward and support the new realities we are embodying. Language shapes our perception. Our perception shapes our experience of reality. To evolve our reality our language must also evolve. We are creating new words for new concepts; and simultaneously we are reclaiming old labels, changing spellings to make familiar terms more inclusive, and redefining the words we were taught meant one thing to more accurately reflect who we are becoming.
What if in the moment of encountering another person for the first time we could set aside all of our assumptions, associations, and judgments, and meet them in a place of unknowing, of curiosity? To acknowledge that tens of thousands of years of biological evolution have equipped us with the ability to automatically and unconsciously classify what we see into known categories. This has been essential for our survival as a species. However, it may not serve us well in our relationships,* as assigning people to these boxes may prevent us from actually seeing beyond our own lenses or filters. Often we act out this unconscious labeling in a way that is far from aligning with what we truly believe and value. Can we make a practice of taking all of this presumed knowing, setting it aside, and pausing long enough to invite and allow a new person to reveal themself to us? (Even a “known” person?) In this way, can we tap into our generosity and give each other the benefit of the doubt that our experience of ourself is valid? Can we make the effort to hold each other in the light that we each understand ourselves, to support each other through the evolution of our self-understanding, to hold space for the fullest expression of who we are?
Let us claim this space of possibility. A space where we can meet each other with curiosity and a commitment to learning - whatever our starting point. Where we can have compassion for each other’s experiences, trusting the subjective truth of them, allowing that there is enough space for them to exist alongside our own — even in contradiction. To give each other the benefit of the doubt that our perspectives are valid insofar as they have in someway served us in our survival up until now, and that they have brought us to this moment of encounter. From this ground of mutual respect, may we invite each other to consider new possibilities. May we lovingly and compassionately illuminate each other’s blind spots. May we create practical tools to help us recognize and reduce the gap between our unconscious conditioning and our consciously cultivated values and beliefs. May we dream together the world we wish to live in, and take pragmatic steps towards bridging the space between where we now stand and the aspirational future we wish to co-create.
*It is essential to acknowledge that pervasive systemic inequalities and injustices in our society make this more true for some of us than for others. For many marginalized folks, survival may still very well depend on ones ability to automatically read people in this way to assess their safety in a given situation. So it is for those of us who are privileged enough to unquestioningly inhabit and move through public space to take up this task of embracing our unknowing and making curiosity our starting point. And may those who don’t yet experience such freedom remember and embrace this practice in the spaces and held containers that are safe enough to do so.