on the precipice…

On the precipice of possibility
how do I hold myself back,
concretizing into remembered forms,
contorting to hold shapes
patterned into bones
and breath
and being?

How do the selves I have
been
and known
cast shadows
to constrain the selves
I might one day become?

How might I fashion from my past
a foundation —
solid, strong, reliable —
upon which to build;
rather than make of it an anchor,
to resist the tides of change
that wash upon me?

What might I encounter
if I risked being swept ashore —
or out to sea —
do I dare be flown
beyond the endless eddies
of the known?

31 July, 2023

shades of becoming…

how might i impart to you

the post rain magic of

a heavy gray sky

filtered light

turning the canyon vivid

neon damp moss

framed

through bare silver branches

the rock tumbled river

flowing

fast and slow

teal and jade and slate

this winterstark scene

a contrast

to the overbright

washed-out hues of summer

how standing at this precipice

awakens in me a remembering

of

the beauty of my seasons

how it lands in me

in my body

in my being

this invitation to embrace

all the shades of my becoming

?

homecoming…

that moment when you realize
the thing that you’ve been seeking
outside yourself
is the very thing you’ve been offering
to everyone
except yourself

---

In the stillness…
… I come home to myself.

Suddenly quiet,
the many million shoulds
evaporate
like cold dew
under rising sun.

My mind clears, and,
once again,
I know which voice
is mine.

some thoughts/ questions about gender and identity…

an invitation and a blessing
(originally written for a womxn’s gathering in September 2018)

Gender is one of many socially constructed categories that we are conditioned by and subject to – it informs our consciously and unconsciously held beliefs, and shapes our experience of being in the world, in relationship to both self and others. Sometimes this can be empowering. More often however it can feel limiting and painful. The emerging conversation around gender in the public sphere - that of trans, non-binary, and other non-conforming gender identities - is a new frontier in the expansion of human consciousness. There is a call to transcend our limiting and limited ideas of what it means to identify with the masculine or the feminine; to move beyond the idea that the binary categories of man and woman are the only options; to untangle our assumption that there is an inherent and automatic link between biological sex and gender identity; and to actualize a reality in which no one’s behavior, potential, or life opportunities are constrained or curtailed because of their sex or gender.

There is also a call to imagine new language to move this conversation forward and support the new realities we are embodying. Language shapes our perception. Our perception shapes our experience of reality. To evolve our reality our language must also evolve. We are creating new words for new concepts; and simultaneously we are reclaiming old labels, changing spellings to make familiar terms more inclusive, and redefining the words we were taught meant one thing to more accurately reflect who we are becoming.

What if in the moment of encountering another person for the first time we could set aside all of our assumptions, associations, and judgments, and meet them in a place of unknowing, of curiosity? To acknowledge that tens of thousands of years of biological evolution have equipped us with the ability to automatically and unconsciously classify what we see into known categories. This has been essential for our survival as a species. However, it may not serve us well in our relationships,* as assigning people to these boxes may prevent us from actually seeing beyond our own lenses or filters. Often we act out this unconscious labeling in a way that is far from aligning with what we truly believe and value. Can we make a practice of taking all of this presumed knowing, setting it aside, and pausing long enough to invite and allow a new person to reveal themself to us? (Even a “known” person?) In this way, can we tap into our generosity and give each other the benefit of the doubt that our experience of ourself is valid? Can we make the effort to hold each other in the light that we each understand ourselves, to support each other through the evolution of our self-understanding, to hold space for the fullest expression of who we are?

Let us claim this space of possibility. A space where we can meet each other with curiosity and a commitment to learning - whatever our starting point. Where we can have compassion for each other’s experiences, trusting the subjective truth of them, allowing that there is enough space for them to exist alongside our own — even in contradiction. To give each other the benefit of the doubt that our perspectives are valid insofar as they have in someway served us in our survival up until now, and that they have brought us to this moment of encounter. From this ground of mutual respect, may we invite each other to consider new possibilities. May we lovingly and compassionately illuminate each other’s blind spots. May we create practical tools to help us recognize and reduce the gap between our unconscious conditioning and our consciously cultivated values and beliefs. May we dream together the world we wish to live in, and take pragmatic steps towards bridging the space between where we now stand and the aspirational future we wish to co-create. 

*It is essential to acknowledge that pervasive systemic inequalities and injustices in our society make this more true for some of us than for others. For many marginalized folks, survival may still very well depend on ones ability to automatically read people in this way to assess their safety in a given situation. So it is for those of us who are privileged enough to unquestioningly inhabit and move through public space to take up this task of embracing our unknowing and making curiosity our starting point. And may those who don’t yet experience such freedom remember and embrace this practice in the spaces and held containers that are safe enough to do so.

noticing

i choose 
to see miracles
everywhere

wings 
beating
hearts
beating 

the singing
of the wind
waves
stars

a still midnight wood

a bright moon

foraged berries

the memory of hands
dancing

endless invitations 
to 
slow 
down

my body
floods with sensation

a reminder
of my divinity 
if only i
remember 

to notice

written January 24, 2019

the language of the body

The body speaks in sensation, and it’s language is one of resonance. The body does not judge, it senses, and when we start to listen we also start to notice the resonance of what is for us and the dissonance of what is not. Growing our ability to perceive this alignment and misalignment often leads to rapid change, as the discomfort of pushing into or staying with what is dissonant becomes increasingly intolerable. 

This type of sensation based listening is like a muscle - the more we practice using it, the more natural it becomes and the less concentrated effort it takes. Most of us are familiar with the notion of a “gut feeling,” and the sensations of the digestive tract are a great barometer for practicing this type of listening.

Imagine eating a meal that is delicious, nourishing, and just the right size - it feels good all the way from your mouth down through to your belly, from the first bite to the last, and leaves you feeling satisfied. That is the sensation of resonance. Dissonance can make itself known anywhere along the path - a bad taste in the mouth, a gag reflex, a constriction of the throat, the sensation of heartburn, a tightening or souring of the belly. (Some examples: taking a bite of something that has gone bad or that you don’t like the taste of; swallowing without chewing enough; overeating/ the discomfort of being overfull.)

I refer to this particular type of listening as the gut compass. To use the gut compass effectively, it has to be calibrated to get underneath all the layers of our conditioned physical responses. (More on this in a future post.) To do so, take a moment to ground, root, and center. Sitting or standing (if possible) pause and take a couple of deep breaths. Notice the solidity of the ground beneath your feet, the weight of your pelvis, and how these two together support the lengthening of your spine and (perhaps) the lightness of your skull.

Practicing checking in with the gut compass for low stakes decisions (like whether to have an apple or an orange for a snack, or which path to take on a walk through the park) helps us to become habituated to noticing the bodily signals and sensations that indicate resonance or dissonance. In this way, we learn how listen for the body’s wisdom when it comes to higher stakes situations and decisions in our lives - big stuff like relationships, work and jobs, or where we live.

thoughts about things

I love language, love the subtleties and specificities of words and the nuance they can convey. I love the art of conversation, and I enjoy sharing the insights I’ve gleaned through direct experience and through observation of myself and the world around me. I’ve developed a lot of thoughts about things - theories that have coalesced over time - and when I share them with people they often ask me if I am a writer. No, I tell them, I am a talker.

As such, I am often reluctant to put my thoughts into writing. There’s something about committing the words to form that feels binding - like in so doing I am making a commitment to never shift or diverge from whatever was written. But our thoughts, opinions, and understandings evolve over time - especially if we give ourselves the space to grow and change. I have been afraid to write. Yet I want to share more widely, and writing seems to lend itself in support of making that happen.

I question whether the written word need be the immutable monument I have feared.

I hope not…

So here’s my disclaimer: the ideas shared here may turn out to be short-lived - merely a record of a moment in time. They are offered as food for reflection, not as pillars of truth. My understanding, like yours, is shifting over time — how beautiful that we are capable of change!

If you have thoughts (or questions) about any of the things here, please feel free to email me: humanhumaning@gmail.com

dancing to music…

Improvisation recorded January 29, 2019
Music: Tim Fain, Freedom
(I do not own the rights to this music)